We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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