I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
