He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
