Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
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we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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