Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
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My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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