He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
