Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
