eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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