this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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