i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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