I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
