I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
