She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
