quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
