Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Im part way to drunk.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
