I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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