woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
