Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
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Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
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Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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