I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
