I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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