if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
