Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
