My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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