Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
