The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
