you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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