i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
