So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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