Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
