if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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