dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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