WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
