suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
