I have demons in me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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