just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
