You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
