Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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