Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
