True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
