is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
