Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
