so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
