Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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