You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you inspire me to be a worse person
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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