you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be