The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.