WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey