dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
