i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
