My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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