I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
