I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There's always time for handjobs
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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