Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
