so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
