Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
