Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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