Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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