Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
