Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
